Photo finish Friday: “The torch is passed”

The “safe” Olympic flame

With concern over security growing and the cost of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia mounting, the Olympic Committee has taken the unprecedented step and decreed that the Olympic torch will be made out of construction paper, as well will the resting place of the Olympic flame.

“This should reduce security concerns on several fronts,” said an Olympic official, who asked that his name be kept out of the press until the official announcement is made. “It will also be lighter, easier to protect, and it will never go out. The only thing we have to fear is a sudden bucket of water of freak thunderstorm.” The official went on to say that the cost savings we have an immediate positive impact on the bottom line. “And if it works well enough for the Olympic flame, we may just start building our future Olympic villages out of cardboard, crepe paper, and the like.”

[Editor’s note: Now it is your turn. What bit of writing silliness or seriousness is inspired in you by this photo. Be as creative as you want.]

Photo Finish Friday: “Portal”

In the hedge lay adventure.

Robbie said, “Ain’t so.”

“Is too,” Ray said back.

Robbie and Ray were each six years old. Robbie was a few months older, and on occasions like this, he like to remind Ray of that. They just weren’t sure what this occasion was. Still, Robbie was asserting his role as elder statesman to tell Ray he was wrong.

“It’s like Nose legend.,” Ray said “You know, that great fight called Rag in a rock.”

“This got nothin’ to do with that,” Robbie said. “Ain’t nothin’ more than a strange cut in the hedge for that box.”

“It’s a portal, I tell you. And those Nose gods will come pourin’ through it to do battle with them frost giants and there will be an army of Gideon.”

“Who’s that?” Robbie asked.

Ray shrugged. “Some guy who can pour armies.”

“Ain’t no army goin’ to come pourin’ out of that hole in the hedge. It don’t even go all the way through.”

“It’s still a portal,” Ray said, “and if you go and sit in it for six hours, you will see it: happening. I dare ya’. I double dog dare ya!”

Not one to turn down a double dog dare, Robbie snuck up on the rectangular. And to show he wasn’t scared at all, he climbed into the hole in the fence. He tried several different poses and a few words he wasn’t supposed to.

After thirty minutes, Robbie fell asleep in the portal. After another ten minutes had passed, Ray left and walked back to the family picnic where he immediately ate his ice cream allotment and Robbie’s, too.

The Devil’s Dictionary: “Absurdity, Adherent, Administration, Admiration, and Admonition”

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions for Absurdity, Adherent, Administration, Admiration, and Admonition. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITIONS:

Absurdity, n. A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

Adherent, n. A follower who has no yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Administration, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Admonition, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning:
Consigned by way of admonition,
His soul forever to perdition.
Judibras

NEW DEFINITIONS:

Absurdity, n. A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own, but accepted none-the-less as truth because it has been spoken of often enough by enough commentators and talking heads so as to make it real.

Adherent, n. A follower of an absurdity (or several) who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get from his or her absurdities. For example: Those who say they want less federal government involvement in their lives while living in a state that gets more in federal money than it pays in.

Administration, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.
Example: In the news: On December 7th of last year, the Administration hung a banner on an air craft carrier announcing that the war was over. “Mission Accomplished,” it read. When asked about this today, the straw man said, “I never said that.”

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves, up to and including our own adherence to the same absurdity. “He’s a man I’d like to have a beer with,” one voter said in remarking why he voted for the teetotaler running for office.

Admonition, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.
Damned by Fox news admonition,
His liberal soul forever to perdition.

The Adherent was advised of the absurdity in believing everything the Administration said. But the Adherent’s admiration knew no bounds, and then he became an abomination and received the highest compliment: an admonition from those he admired.

How my mind works

Sometimes when someone asks me a question, my mind goes on a rambling spree. Below is such a spree based upon an issue that came up at work. I place it here not because it is a masterwork of prose, but because sometime stuffing a response full of absurdities is the best I can do. Call it “How my mind works.”

My un-sophisticated wild donkey guess:

They (whoever they are) decide to re-open the contract for bids because they are looking for a version of the bids for separate (but equal) running of our place and the other one.

Then after another round of bids, public presentations (or whatever they are called), and an extension or two to get past the mid-term elections, the decision is made to either award one contract or two based on a giant rock/paper/scissors contest held on the National Mall between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.

The entire event is MC’ed by Martha Stewart, who will show how to make origami and lovely wedding and holiday center pieces out of the loosing contract bids.

The looked inside his collapsed mind and all they found was a hollow laugh a pile of pumpkin seeds.

The losers will immediately file protests and lawsuits, claiming that the winner used disabled ringers who could only form rocks or paper with their arthritic fingers, and that bid information was leaked to retired generals by doctors’ wives and shirtless FBI agents, semaphoring in information about where the disabled ringers should stand to have the best chance of winning.

And there will, of course, be Congressional hearings at which octogenarian nuns with broken wrists will smile beatifically from the backs of the rooms as Senators and Representatives thump their chests and try to impress the doctors’ wives with their persiflage if not their perspicacity. All the while retired painters enhance the Congressional dome with a nice shade of blood red.

This event, in its entirety, will be carried live on Comedy Central, where the Daily Show will become a never-ending event unto itself, as – Thelma and Louise style – the federal government plunges over the financial cliff and into the abyss of absurdity from which it came.

We will all sit in stunned amazement, then slowly link arms as we rest on the Group W bench, and sing in slow undulation: “You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant / You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant / Walk right in it’s around back / Just a half mile from the railroad track / You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant – excepting Alice.”

And now a word from our sponsor…

…the great wearer of the shield, cummerbund, and sometimes toga; great chair of the The Terrestrial Modernity of it All committee brings you:

The TerMoiall Thought of the Day:

“Remember, you are here for a reason. It may be an absurd reason, but even absurdity has its place, and you have a place in it. So revel in the absurd moment. Consider it a Cosmic Return on Investment Karma or CROIK. Even if it is a Stupid Hard Irritating Time, remember this CROIK of S*** shall pass.”

Workshop weekend: Sunday silliness: “Justice absurd”

Source: http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/jul/16/kpd-probes-shooting-of-man-in-underwear/

Knoxville, TN: What do you say to man in his underwear, lying in the street, shot in the back?

A bit of law and disorder on the streets of our fair cities.

Apparently, that is not as important as what he says or doesn’t say to you or police officers.

On July 16, 2012, one Mr. B. was involved in a shooting incident that left him in the street of Washington Ave., dressed as described above. In need of medical assistance, the 30-year-old male was taken to the University of Tennessee Medical Center. Since Mr. B. has been “less than forthcoming” in helping the police, little else is known at this time.

One can only assume that the childhood exercise of show and tell has taken on an adult spin: show more and tell less.

Butt not to be outdone or maybe undone is a better choice of words here, a man in the West Tennessee town of Dyersburg, TN, complained to police when an accused prostitute took $40 from him, but did not “deliver the goods” so to say.

Source: http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/jul/18/man-calls-police-when-prostitute-takes-his-money/?partner=popular

and

http://www.stategazette.com/story/1870129.html

On July 5, 2012, a 62-year-old man contracted for services with a woman half his age at the corner of Bowen Lane and Hornbrook Street. She then runs off with the money. He reports her to the police, who have a talk with her. She claims the money was for drugs – crack cocaine – and that she gave the money to another man, who then ran off, too.

The police cited her for prostitution and cited him for patronizing a prostitute. Both are misdemeanor citations. The second, still at large, unknown man has not yet been sighted.

Court date for Mr. Senior Citizen and Miss Rock and Roll was scheduled for July 20, 2012.

Now, I ask you, was the man in the underwear the mysterious second man? Granted, Knoxville, TN, is about 350 miles from Dyersburg, TN, but between July 5th and 16th this second man could have made it across the state, and might even have been making contact with an as yet undisclosed third man.

After all, in today’s economy, you have to stretch every dollar as far as you can.

The cleanup of the cover-up was too much to bare, but a woman with a camera covered it anyway.

Are newspapers sending us subliminal messages? Have you checked yours, today?

CarToonsday: The blathering idiot wonders

The blathering idiot ponders time keeping.

CarToonsday: Window of opportunity

Another one for the bucket list.

Writing humor

My day, my life, my meme.