Tag Archives: puns
Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.
Since the tall writer won the tenth round, the short writer was allowed to go first for round eleven. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was “Alaska.”
Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.
After thinking a moment, the short writer stood and took off his glasses, then put them back on, and then took them off again. As he did this, he said, “I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.”
This immediately drew a few laughs, and moan or two, and some applause.
The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a match. He lit the match and as it burned, he said, “Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”
By then the match had burned down to his fingers. He dropped it and quickly stepped on it. A spark flew up from his foot and caught a paper napkin on fire. He then tried to stomp that out, but more sparks flew and soon the entire bar was on fire.
The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and scrambled over each other and out the door.
As the ashes were sprayed one last time to make sure they were no longer hot, the soot covered bartender said both writers lost that round.
“Listen up, boys,” the head sheep said. “We have one chance to get this right. The sow keeps all her money at the Piggy Bank on the corner. We show a little backbone and knock it over and we’ll never have to cower again. You with me?”
In honor of all the zombie movies over the past year, and books about zombies and other dead creatures, here is the second of two or three “dead” jokes, puns, bits of humor. Groan as you see fit.
Q.: What do you call…
…a race between zombies?
A.: A dead run.
…a warm day for zombies?
A.: A dead heat.
…a zombie who ate his girlfriend?
A.: A dead ‘n’ ate her.
…a zombie in an explosion?
A.: Dead bone air.
…somebody killed by a medieval zombie?
A.: Dead of knight.
…a zombie politician too long in office?
A.: A deadencated public servant.
A.: Dead weight.
…500 zombie lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A.: Habeas corpses.
In honor of all the zombie movies over the past year, and books about zombies and other dead creatures, here is the first of two or three “dead” jokes, puns, bits of humor. Groan as you see fit.
Q.: What do you call…
…a dead psychiatrist?
A.: A dead head.
…a dead musician?
A.: A dead beat.
…a dead twin bell musician?
A.: A dead ringer.
…a dead sailor?
A.: Dead lee
…a dead radio personality?
A.: Dead air
…a dead royal radio personality?
A.: Dead air apparent.
…a dead conservative?
A. Dead to rights
…a dead writer’s last sentence?
A. A deadline.
There many be some truth to this.
We will (with apologies to Shakespeare) call this: What’s in a name?
Query: Does anyone know why disposable baby diapers are called Luvs & Huggies, while old people diapers are called Depends?
Hypothesis: Cause if a baby poops in his(her) pants, you are still gonna Luv’em & Hug’em. But if an old person poops in his(her) pants, your love might Depend on if you are still in the will.
Q.: How did this (see photo below) man get past NASA security?
A.: He shuttled in.