Tag Archives: Monday

Monday (morning) writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 10: animal”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the short writer won the ninth round, the tall writer was allowed to go first for round nine. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The tall writer flipped the card over and the subject was “animal.”

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer stood and took a deep breath, sucking in air loudly. Then he said, “I was going to tell you a joke about leeches … but they all suck.”

This immediately drew a long moan from the crowd, then a few laughs.

The short writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a cat. It took a few moments, but when those arrived, he stood up, held up the cat. “Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? He was a cheetah.”

The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and there were a few laughs, particularly after the cat started hissing and tried scratching the short writer.

It was close, but round 10 went to the tall writer. The tall writer now had 4 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.” The short writer also had 4 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Animal Crackers”

A writer and an elephant walked into a room. The elephant sat down in a chair and the writer sat down at the desk and began typing.

When the writer was done, he printed out the pages and placed them on the table, then left the room.

The elephant, read the pages, made some notations and other comments, then laid the pages back on the desk.

The writer came back into the room, read it and either nodded or wadded up the pages and threw them in the trash.

This went on for several weeks, then one day another tenant in the office complex asked the writer what he was doing.

“Working on a book.”

“What’s the elephant for?”

The writer said, “He’s my editor. My agent said if I didn’t hire an editor to help me with my writing, she’d never be able to sell my next book.”

“But an elephant?”

“He comes highly recommended and he works for peanuts.”

The tenant started to laugh, then stopped and asked, “Who recommended him?”

“My agent, the jackass.”

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Sunday silliness: “That day”

Send away that day. /

That one! I don’t want it. /

It is called Monday.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 9: job”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the tall writer won the eighth round, the short writer was allowed to go first for round nine. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was “job.”

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the short writer asked for a needle. It took a moment, but when it arrived, it was a sewing needle, which wasn’t what he was hoping for, so he asked for a well done steak. When the steak arrived, sizzling on a plate, he jabbed the needle into it and held up the steak and needle. “Acupuncture is a jab well done.”

This immediately drew a long moan from the crowd, then a few laughs.

A few more laughs came when the short writer began eating the steak. “No sense wasting a prop.”

The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a rolling and some rolls. It took a few moments, but when those arrived, he stood up, held up the rolls, and then waved the rolling pin in the air. “Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.”

The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and there were a few laughs, particularly after the short writer asked to look at the tray of rolls. He snatched one from the center and ate it with his steak.

It was almost all the tall writer could do to keep from hitting the short writer on the head with the rolling pin.

It was close, but round eight went to the short writer. The short writer now had 4 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 3 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Tart”

There once was a woman named Tart /
who thought she would be rather smart. /
She wore her bra on her head /
so when she took men to bed, /
they’d start near head, not her heart.

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Stuck”

First writer: “Why is there music coming from the printer?”

Second writer: “That would be the paper jamming again.”

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Definition”

Q.: What’s the definition of a will?

A.: A dead giveaway.

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