Tag Archives: joke

Monday morning writing joke: "Love at first pants"

There once was a writer of Romance /

Who had a stance on love at first glance. /

It was hard for him to believe /

Or even try to conceive /

That it could be done while still wearing your pants.

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How to Choose a Writing Instrument and What It Says About You

By Dana Schwartz

Illustration by Jason Adam Katzenstein

Man at a typewriter; a writing instrument.

If you use a red pen, you are either grading undergraduate papers or you are a sociopath.

Source: How to Choose a Writing Instrument and What It Says About You | The New Yorker

Cormac McCarthy purchased a powder blue Olivetti Lettera 32 mechanical typewriter in a Tennessee pawnshop, in 1963, for fifty dollars, and used it for the next five decades, producing an estimated five million words tickling its ivories. An author’s instrument is more than a tool; it is an extension of his very soul. With that in mind, choose your weapon carefully. (I use the Olivetti Lettera 22—an earlier model—myself.)

Ballpoint pen: Let me guess—you probably have a great idea for a book that you’ve been meaning to write but haven’t actually got around to starting?

Fountain pen: You don’t use contractions because you think that they degrade the language, and your epigraphs are all in Latin. You include epigraphs in everything you write.

Electric typewriter: All of your protagonists are thinly veiled versions of yourself. You order rye at bars and secretly think that you should have been alive in the sixties.

Manual typewriter: You spent six hundred dollars on a typewriter that you’ve used twice.

No. 2 pencil: You keep one behind your ear because you think it looks writerly, but exclusively use it to jot down to-do lists.

Pencil you can only sharpen with a pocket knife: You have gone camping two or three times in your life and bring it up at least once per conversation.

Mechanical pencil: You’re taking notes in an Algebra 2 class.

MacBook: You like the idea of hiking more than you actually like hiking and are impressed with yourself for liking the Beatles.

Desktop computer: You are either a Serious Writer who needs to be cut off from distraction in order to focus completely on your art, or you are sixty-five years old.

Red pen: You are either grading undergraduate papers or you are a sociopath.

Micron: Your notebook is the type with the grid dots because you think that lines constrain your creativity but you still need to write straight.

Quill: You have gone to a Renaissance Faire unironically. Please, for all of our sakes, stop calling women “m’lady.”

Tablet: You type with a single finger.

From “The White Man’s Guide to White Male Writers of the Western Canon,” by Dana Schwartz, illustrated by Jason Adam Katzenstein, to be published by Harper Collins.

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Monday morning writing joke: “I killed her with laughter”

I killed her with laughter.
She lies dead on the floor.
For many many years
she I just tried to ignore.
She was a noisy neighbor
a Gladys Kravitz type
who took the smallest thing
and gave it biggest hype.
Then one sunny day,
I told her a joke.
It wasn’t very funny
but she began to choke.
I stood there and stared
wondering what I should do.
She made the choking sign
and I knew she was through.
I should have helped her –
this I know now –
but I was glad to be rid of her
that nosy neighbor cow.
The house she lived in
has strange new residents.
I hope to meet them
but their nose never relents.
In the middle of night
I’ll hear a freight train.
It’s charging through my bedroom!
I’m going insane!
I have been spying on them
to find out what I can do.
Then one of them came over
and started with a joke or two.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Drink up or is that down?”

mug with markings
Happy writing.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Barking vowels”

There once was a writer doggerel

Whose writing sounded as if you should gargle.

Rhymes and diphthongs

The words never got along

Sounding like the speech of a mongrel.

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Monday morning writing joke: “The Cow Story”

The fox said, pointing to the open field, “Maybe that’s where the cow jumped over the moon. Which brings up the philosophical question: Why did the cow jump over the moon?”

“Because it was trying to avoid the cattle drive.”

“But cows can’t drive,” the fox said.

“Cows can’t fly, either,” said the chicken hurriedly crossing the road.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Couplet”

There once was a writer of poems

Who had a side job fixing homes.

While making a repair

He tore pants and underwear

And displayed a couplet best left alone.

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