Tag Archives: joke

Monday morning writing joke: “Tough it out”

Q. Why are Saturday and Sunday the toughest days?

A. Because the others are weakdays.

Enjoy your weak. Yeah, I know, a week joke.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Ditto”

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After a while, one bloke looks at the other and says, “From listening to you I can’t help but think you’re from Ireland.”

The other bloke responds, “Yes, that I am!”

First guy says, “So am I. And were abouts might you be from?”

The second guy: “From Dublin.”

The first guy: “So am I! And what street you live on in Dublin?”

The second guy takes a gulp of his Guinness. It is not his first. “McCleary Street. The old central part of town. Lovely little area it was.”

The first guy takes a gulp of his Guinness. Also not his first. “Mother Mary and begorra. It’s a small world. So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The second guy: “I went to St. Mary’s, of course.”

The first guy pounds a fist onto the bar. “So did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The second guy told him.

The first guy: “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1984 my own self.”

Vicky, another regular, walks up to the bar and orders an Irish whisky.

Brian, the barman, walks over, shaking his head: “It’s going to be a long night. A long night.”

Vicky: “Why?”

Brian: “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “Sheepish”

Two sheep gather in a meadow.

Sheep one: “Did you meet the comic writer who moved in to the old house in the valley?”

Sheep two: “I have and I’m not am-ewe-used.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “Offer”

Author to his agent: “What’s the latest on my manuscript?”

Agent to author: “I sent it out to six publishers at the same time hoping to stir up the most interest in the shortest amount of time. But no response yet.”

Author, thinking the agent is trying to start a bidding war for his masterpiece. “Maybe you’re asking too much.”

Agent to author: “I offered it to them for free.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “The word made flesh”

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “And I had a large theater built in the house.”

The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her “Thank You” notes.

She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much.”

Love, Mama

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Monday morning writing joke: “Keen eye”

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinary Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the bovine body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it …. followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

***
[Editor’s note: while not directly a writing joke, observation is also important to a writer.]

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Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 7: math”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the short writer won the sixth round (by reason of plagiarism by the tall writer), the tall writer was allowed to go first for round six. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was math.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
For round seven, the rules of round six were kept in place. For round six and five, the rules had been amended. Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer said, “All lives mater.”

This immediately drew a moan from the crowd, and not a kind one.

“Until you multiply yourselves times the speed of light squared. Then you be energy.”

The groans turned to some chuckles and a few laughs.

The short writer waited until things were quiet, then he said, “Two knights walked into a room where there was a round table. The young knight turns to the older one and asks, ‘Who built this fine table?’ The older knight replies, ‘Sir Cumference.’”

The crowd groaned, twice, and somebody laughed.

Round seven was about to go to the short writer. The short writer now had 3 wins, 2 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 2 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.

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