Tag Archives: Holidays

Photo finish Friday: “Crumb bummed”

Nothing quite says Happy Holidays quite like crust crumbs from your favorite left on a plate. Wonder which kind of pie Santa likes.

Nothing quite says Happy Holidays quite like crust crumbs from your favorite left on a plate. Wonder which kind of pie Santa likes.

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Filed under 2015, Photo by Beth Booker, Photo Finish Friday

Photo finish Friday: “Eye candy”

She was pumped to see the candy.

She was pumped to see the candy.

She was pumped to see the candy. And she was pumped to see the pumps. She had been looking all over town for this type of candy: handmade, locally produced, just the thing to impress him with. After all, he had always given her handmade gifts. Then she saw the shoes, the pumps made from chocolate and candy. She’d always heard that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, and she had a secret fetish of wanting a man to at least once in her life nibble and suck her toes. This was just the item. It combined both things, and he wouldn’t even have to know about her fetish until the moment he nibbled his way up to her ruby red painted toes.

Oh, could this be real? Could this actually be happening?

She wanted to click her heels like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and say, “This place is better than home. This place is better than home.”

Then the witch behind the counter yelled over at her: “I ain’t here for my health. You gonna buy or you gonna slobber?”

She thought about it for a moment and wondered what she would do if he wouldn’t nibble away her chocolate shoe? What if he didn’t even like chocolate? What would she do then?

“Well?” the witch was not pleased to be kept waiting.

“I’ll take them all,” she said, “And could you gift wrap them?”

The look on the witch’s face was beyond sour. “You know, you can’t really wear these. And you can’t bring ’em back.”

“For what I have in mind, that won’t be an issue.”

The witch shrugged and packed up all five shoes.

She young woman walked home in the cold and blowing snow. Her man would be arriving soon, so she hurried. When she got home, she left a note where here man would find it, then went straight to bed and waited … and waited … and waited….

When morning came, she awoke with a jolt. It took a moment or two before she realized what had happened. All the chocolate shoes were gone, except one, which was partially eaten, the toe area missing. She found a wrapped present in the bed beside her and a note which read:

“My dear Virginia, how you have grown. I almost didn’t recognize you. I hope you like the present. I made it especially for you. Thank you for the chocolate snacks. I tried each one on your pretty little feet and nibbled my way up to your toes. Maybe next year, we can try these. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. –S.”

Virginia ripped open the present. She stared at the gift for a few minutes before she realized what it was. She turned as red as S’s suit to think he thought of her this way.

It was almost amazing what could happen when you still believed in the jolly ol’ elf.

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Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday

Haiku to you Thursday: “Clotted Christmas”

Glass sparkled roadway /
cold winds and clotted metal /
Christmas and cop lights.

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Filed under Christmas, Haiku to You Thursday, poetry by author

Silly Saturday: “Santa’s Setback”

This is a note to tell you
that Wall Street has taken away
the things I really needed:
my workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh.

I now make my rounds on a jackass;
he’s old and crippled and slow.
So, if you don’t see me come Christmas,
I’ll be out on my ass in the snow.

Santa on a jackass

Santa mounts a new challenge.

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Filed under cartoon by author, Christmas, poetry, Silly Saturday

The All-American Chef

For Christmas, the blathering idiot received a BBQ mitt and a cooking apron. Across the front of the apron, above three embroidered stars was the phrase, also embroidered and in all capital letters: ALL AMERICAN CHEF.

The blathering idiot was happy to receive such a gift. He prided himself on his outdoor grilling skills, and after all an All American Chef should have all-American tools to help him create his all-American dishes. He tried on the mitt: it fit great with plenty of room. The apron was adjustable and the red color pleasantly suited him.

Though the weather was a winter cool, he decided to grill out. What better way to show off that he was an ALL AMERICAN CHEF? He pulled out his grill, poured in the charcoal briquettes, and was ready to start the fire.

All American Mitt and apron made in China

All American mitt and apron made in China

But before he started, the blathering idiot wanted to make sure he took good care of this apron and mitt, so he turned over the tag to see how to care for these new tools. After all, a good chef always takes care of his tools. And in all caps, he read that his ALL AMERICAN CHEF mitt and apron had been MADE IN CHINA.

The blathering idiot didn’t feel so ALL AMERICAN any more.

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Filed under All American, blathering idiot, Christmas, Holidays, humor, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing

I’ll take five

For the Star Trek fan in all of us.

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Filed under Christmas, Holidays, Star Trek

Oh, Santa Baby…

A little holiday cheer in a tough economic year.

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Filed under Holidays, Santa Claus

The Twelve Days of Chaos

Happy Holidays … if you dare.

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Filed under Holidays, humor