Tag Archives: beer

Photo finish Friday: “Cold one”

Photo courtesy of Chris Brock.

 

The coldest beer in the USA

by David E. Booker

 

The coldest beer in the USA

Drive up and down the pike

Turn left or turn right

You won’t find another

As cold and as clear tonight.

 

My truck broke down.

My dog died suddenly

And my woman, she left me

Running off with my brother

What else bad can there be?

 

The coldest beer in the USA

Drive up and down the pike

Turn left or turn right

You won’t find another

As cold and as clear tonight.

 

My barber’s quiet frown

Says my hair’s gone astray

Fading from my head, more each day.

Being bald makes me shudder.

I cry and throw my comb away.

 

The coldest beer in the USA

Drive up and down the pike

Turn left or turn right

You won’t find another

As cold and as clear tonight.

 

One left and eleven down.

Empties rattle in the back.

Now here comes the local flack.

He’s after me and no other.

I sip the last of the twelve pack.

 

The coldest beer in the USA

Drive up and down the pike

Turn left or turn right

You won’t find another

As cold and as clear tonight.

 

Sitting in a cell downtown

Waiting to be shipped to the jail

Nobody left to throw my bail.

Then I see my dear ol’ brother.

The look of man about to fail.

 

The coldest beer in the USA

Drive up and down the pike

Turn left or turn right

You won’t find another

As cold and as clear tonight.

 

I give him my best frown.

He walks over and says to me:

“Brother forgive and let it be

“She ran off with yet another.

“Our half-brother who’d been at sea.”

 

The coldest beer in the USA

Drive up and down the pike

Turn left or turn right

Sadly, we can’t have another

On this cold and clear tonight.

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Filed under 2017, Photo Finish Friday

Monday morning writing joke: “Drink up”

A writer walks into a bar and orders three beers, all to be delivered at the same time to his table.

The waitress brings over his beers and the bartender watches as the writer takes a sip out of each mug in turn, starting from the writer’s left and going to his right. A couple of nights later the writer comes in and does the same thing: three beers delivered to his table; he drinks a swallow from each mug in turn.

Finally, the third time it happens, the bartender delivers the beers and tells the writer, “You know, these beers start to go flat the moment I draw them out of the tap. You would be better off drinking one, ordering another, and then a third.”

“But,” the writer said, “I need to order them this way and drink them just this way.”

“Why?” the bartender asks.

“One mug is for my brother the screenwriter in L.A. The next mug is for my brother the advertising writer in New York. And the third one is mine, a small-time mystery writer who frequents your bar here in Atlanta. I do this here and each of my brothers is doing the same thing in the bars they are in.

The bartender appreciates the tradition and from then on says no more, until one evening the writer comes in and orders only two beers.

The bartender thinks something must have happened to one of the brothers, so when he has a moment, he walks over to the table and expresses his condolences.

“No, no, no,” the writer says. “We are all fine. Alive and well and procrastinating before the blank screen in search of our next words.”

“But you only ordered two beers.”

“You see,” the writer says, “my wife and I converted to being Southern Baptist and we no longer drink, but my brothers still do.”

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Filed under 2015, Monday morning writing joke

Dear Twitter,

How come most of the “people” that want to follow me on this social medium are diet gurus, body part enlargement specialists, and get rich quick schemers? Don’t they know I’m a multi-plus sized coach potato with a sweaty beer in one hand, a twitchy remote in the other, and a wallet flatter than a left-over night of pleasure?

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Filed under absurdity, beer, diet, guru, humor, Random Access Thoughts, Random thought, remote control, satire, social media, twitter, word play, words, writing