Writer one: “Did you hear about the play about the writer of run-on sentences who committed suicide?”
Writer two: “No.”
Writer one: “It’s a period piece.”
Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.
Since the short writer won the seventh round, the tall writer was allowed to go first for round eight. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The tall writer flipped the card over and the subject was “victim.”
Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.
After thinking a moment, the tall writer asked for a cup of coffee. It took a moment, but when it arrived, he gripped the handle and held it up. “Coffee is the silent victim our house. It gets mugged every day.”
This immediately drew a long moan from the crowd, then a few laughs.
“Until you multiply yourselves times the speed of light squared. Then you be energy.”
The short writer waited until things were quiet, then he said, “Two egotists started fighting. It was an I for an I.”
The crowd hesitated, then groaned, twice, and somebody laughed.
It was close, but round eight went to the tall writer. The short writer now had 3 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 3 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.
Three writers walk into a bar. A little later, only two walk out.
“Hey,” said a friend who saw the two writers on the street, “where’s your friend?”
“We left him at the bar,” the first writer said
“Because it was the write thing to do,” the second writer said.
“Let’s eat Grandma!”
“Let’s eat, Grandma!”
Commas save lives.
First writer: “I just finished up at a drug rehab center.”
Second writer: “How was it?”
First writer: “It was okay, except for the nagging signs they placed outside.”
Second writer: “Signs? What did they say?”
First writer, taking a puff: “They said: ‘Keep off the grass.’ And I wasn’t even smoking it at the time.”