Category Archives: Monday morning writing joke

Monday (morning) writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 11: ‘Alaska'”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the tall writer won the tenth round, the short writer was allowed to go first for round eleven. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was “Alaska.”

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the short writer stood and took off his glasses, then put them back on, and then took them off again. As he did this, he said, “I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.”

This immediately drew a few laughs, and moan or two, and some applause.

The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a match. He lit the match and as it burned, he said, “Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”

By then the match had burned down to his fingers. He dropped it and quickly stepped on it. A spark flew up from his foot and caught a paper napkin on fire. He then tried to stomp that out, but more sparks flew and soon the entire bar was on fire.

The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and scrambled over each other and out the door.

As the ashes were sprayed one last time to make sure they were no longer hot, the soot covered bartender said both writers lost that round.

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Monday morning writing joke: “A.M.S.”

A writer walks into a bar on New Year’s Day.

He takes a stool at the bar and says to the bartender, “I’ve been studying on resolutions and how to keep them.”

“And what have you learned?” the bartender asks, bringing the writer a mug of his favorite beer.

“To succeed, a resolution must have three things. It must be achievable. It must be measurable. And it must be sustainable or repeatable.” He finishes the first mug of beer.

“And so what have you decided?” the bartender asks.

“I’ve decided to have another beer. That way, I can start on a resolution that is achievable, measurable, and sustainable. At least as long as the money holds out.”

“And what happens when the money runs out?”

The writer says, “I’m going to write about it to say whether or not it’s true.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “The right block”

Genie: “You have one wish left.”

The writer thought about it for a few minutes. He looked around the bar. He had already messed up twice and didn’t want to screw up this third wish. Finally, he said, “I want to forget my writer’s block.”

“Is that your wish?”

“Yes, I wish to forget my writer’s block.”

The genie disappeared in a puff of smoke. The writer paid his bill and left the bar, happy to know that he would now be able to write again, once he remembered where he lived.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Bounds”

Q.: Why did the physics writer break up with the biology writer?

A.: Because there was no chemistry between them.

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Monday morning writing joke: “The final frontier”

Two writers are working in a room.

The would-be mystery writer keeps scratching her head and staring at her screen as she decides what should happen next.

The struggling science fiction writer repeatedly strikes his computer keyboard with his thumb.

Finally, she looks up and asks: “What are you doing?”

“I keep hitting the space bar,” the guy says, “but I’m still here on Earth.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “Crossing”

Why did the author cross the road?

I don’t know. Why?

To catch the agent on the other side. Why did the agent cross the road?

I don’t know.

To catch the editor on the other side. Why did the editor cross the road?

Why?

To catch the publisher on the other side. Why did the publisher cross the road?

Okay, why did the publisher cross the road?

He was following the chicken.

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 10: animal”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the short writer won the ninth round, the tall writer was allowed to go first for round nine. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The tall writer flipped the card over and the subject was “animal.”

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer stood and took a deep breath, sucking in air loudly. Then he said, “I was going to tell you a joke about leeches … but they all suck.”

This immediately drew a long moan from the crowd, then a few laughs.

The short writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a cat. It took a few moments, but when those arrived, he stood up, held up the cat. “Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? He was a cheetah.”

The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and there were a few laughs, particularly after the cat started hissing and tried scratching the short writer.

It was close, but round 10 went to the tall writer. The tall writer now had 4 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.” The short writer also had 4 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.

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