Funeral for the living

[Editor's note: True story first, then poetic recap below. This is befitting Mother's Day. Give it a try.]

Egyptian Pronounced Alive At Funeral

http://www.npr.org/2012/05/12/152576320/egyptian-pronounced-alive-at-funeral?ft=1&f=1001&sc=tw&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

by The Associated Press

May 12, 2012

The funeral of a 28-year-old waiter in southern Egypt turned into a celebration when he woke up after being declared dead.

Hospital officials had pronounced dead Hamdi Hafez al-Nubi, who came from the village of Naga al-Simman in the southern province of Luxor, after he suffered a heart attack while working.

His family says grieving relatives took him home and, according to Islamic tradition, washed his body and prepared him for burial Friday evening.

A doctor sent to sign the death certificate found it strange that his body was warm. At closer observation, she discovered he was still alive.

His mother fainted upon hearing the good news.

With the doctor’s assistance, both al-Nubi and his mother were awakened and soon were celebrating with guests.

&&&&

The heart would not rest.
A young, dead son waits no more.
Funeral of joy.

Happy Mother’s Day

True story: testicular “arrest”

[Editor's note: some things you can't make up. While the national media has rightly been poking (pardon the pun) fun at the Tennessee State legislature for some of the asinine legislation it has passed this session, this was going on in a neighboring state.]

Sources: http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/may/07/another-testicle-ticket-written-in-south/?partner=popular

Another testicle ticket written in South Carolina

Associated Press

Monday, May 7, 2012

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (AP) — For the second time in a year, a motorist has been ticketed in South Carolina for displaying a replica of testicles on a vehicle.

A Spartanburg County sheriff’s deputy stopped a truck Sunday evening after noticing the “anatomically correct” display on the rear bumper. The incident report says the driver removed the display after being stopped but he was arrested for driving without a license. He was also given a warning ticket for having an obscene display.

Last July, a Berkeley County woman was ticketed for having a similar display on the back of her truck.

That case is to go to trial in municipal court in the town of Bonneau. That trial has been delayed three times and no new trial date has been set.

[Some final commentary in haiku form:

Testicle arrest:
lifelike on the dash. Driver
in pain; wife arraigned.

Hemingway once claimed that the shortest story he knew of was: "For sale: pair of baby's shoes. Never used." I challenge you to take the news article above and turn it into a short short short story or poem. You can paste the results in the Leave a Reply section of this blog entry.]

Till(er) death do us part

[Editor's note: I nominate these two guys, posthumously, for Darwin Awards. Or maybe they could share one.]

Source: http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/apr/23/men-fatally-shoot-each-other-over-repair-issue/

Men fatally shoot each other over repair issue

Associated Press

Monday, April 23, 2012

MARTIN, Tenn. (AP) — Two West Tennessee man have died in an argument over a garden tiller at a repair shop.

WCMT radio in Martin reported the death over the weekend of 68-year-old Oren Willis.

Weakley County Sheriff’s deputies said Roy McAlpin and Willis, who was one his customers, shot each other Friday.

McAlpin was pronounced dead at his shop near Palmersville. Willis was taken to Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville, where he died on Saturday.

Investigators said the men argued after Willis didn’t return to pick up his repaired tiller and McAlpin sold it to someone else.

Doctor, doctor, give me the news…

Don’t know how many of these are factual, but they all sound true.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

Breathe deep
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

Wild ride
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”

After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

Not to my taste
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

Lawn Care
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read: ”Keep off the grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said “Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by RN (no name)

AND FINALLY…

Whistle while you work
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady in leopard print bikini panties upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you? “

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

“No, doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ‘I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.’”’

Dr. wouldn’t submit his name….

Oohhh, and one more…

Baby’s First (Grand) Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came!!”

Would you trust this man?

Would you trust this man with a gun?

Would you trust this man with a handgun?

Would you trust him if you knew he was an ex-Memphis police officer?

Would you trust him if you knew he was an ex-police officer with a .38-caliber handgun tucked between the driver’s seat and console of his SUV?

Would you trust him if you knew he refused to take a Breathalyzer test, after being stopped by Nashville police officers for driving 60 miles per hour in a 40 mph zone and weaving across the double yellow lines on a street near Vanderbilt University?

Would you trust him if you knew he was Tennessee state Representative, Republican from Collierville?

Would you trust him if you knew he was the House sponsor of the bill (later mad law) allowing handguns in bars?

If so, Curry Todd, the man in photo, is the person you would trust.

Your tax dollars at work.

It will be interesting see how the state Republicans protect one of their own who to the serve part of the motto “to Protect and Serve” to mean how many drinks he could serve himself and still drive.

Sources:
http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/oct/12/lawmaker-arrested-on-drunken-driving-gun-charges/

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/oct/12/sponsor-of-tennessee-guns-in-bars-bill-charged/
 

The Darwin Awards: The true blathering idiots

On days when you don’t feel as bright or with it as you normally do, consider these folks, nominees and winner of the Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards is given annually to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing himself in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Some of these may make you both laugh and cry.

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

[Editor's comment: at the price of gas, wouldn't cheap mouthwash have been a better choice?]

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

[Editor's comment: This is not what is meant by the moon over San Paulo.]

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.”

[Editor's comment: clearly a case of gravity assisted suicide. If only the earth hadn't gotten in the way.]

Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalized.

[Editor's comment: clearly the snake was being a spoiled sport.]

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers.

[Editor's comment: Clearly an example of a career-limiting move.]

And Now, for the winner of this year’s Darwin Award -
(As always, awarded posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 – 25 seconds. The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this “rocket scientist” attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

[Editor's comment: Apparently, some things still do take a rocket scientist.]

Five short minutes alone…

"Five short minutes alone done bought me 20 long years in jail."

There is a Jim Croce song entitled “Five Short Minutes Alone.” I wonder if Sooty is listening to that song now.

Dead Ball Foul

[Editor's note: This is another one of those you can't make this up stories. It's all about how a dirty room lead to a football team's downfall.]

http://www.tennessean.com/article/20110927/SPORTS07/309270017/Facebook-post-costs-Perry-County-three-football-wins?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE

A mother complaining on Facebook about her sons’ messy room led to Class 1A football power Perry County vacating three wins.

The Vikings, ranked third in Class 1A, will not be able to count wins over Cornersville, Forrest and Lewis County because they used two ineligible players.

Offensive linemen Rodney and Ryan Belasic were declared ineligible by the Tennessee Secondary School Athletic Association because their entire family does not live in Perry County.

“(Perry County) inadvertently played ineligible athletes in the first three ballgames,” TSSAA Executive Director Bernard Childress said. “It was two brothers that transferred. They got a residence in Perry County, but they had not vacated their residence completely in Henry County.”

Perry County’s record is 2-0. The win over Cornersville win was a Region 6-A game.

Childress said school officials thought the players’ entire family had moved to Perry County during the summer.

“But the mother actually works in Henry County, and she posted on her Facebook page that she sent the kids back to Perry County for the week and that she would not see them again until Friday night,” Childress said. “Then, later on her Facebook page, she posted, ‘How can two boys mess up their room as badly as they do when they’re only here on Saturday and Sunday?’ ”

Coaches and administrators in the Perry County area reported the Facebook posts to the TSSAA, which began interviewing the family.

When Childress notified Perry County of the potential problem two weeks ago, Vikings Coach Michael Harrison removed the Belasics from the team.

“We are sorry that this investigation happened and that the two players were deemed ineligible,” Harrison said in an emailed statement. “We hope to put this investigation behind us and move forward.”

The TSSAA defines a bona fide change of residence as “a move from one community to another that justifies a change of schools. Where a family continues to maintain a previous residence for the residential purposes of that family or any of its members, the move is not one that justifies a change of schools for purposes of the TSSAA bylaws.”

Cornersville, Forrest and Lewis County will keep the losses from Perry County on their records.

Individual statistics from those games still count. Quarterback Jacob Tucker is 93 yards from breaking the state career record for total offense and 13 touchdowns from the state career record.

Gladney dies: Buford Gladney, who won 127 games and a state championship in 16 seasons as football coach at Spring Hill, died Sunday following an illness. He was 66. Visitation is from 3-7 p.m. Wednesday and funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. Thursday, both at Oakes & Nichols Funeral Home in Columbia.

Contact Chip Cirillo at 615-664-2194 or ccirillo@tennessean.com. Contributing: Maurice Patton.

Popping Porcelain

[Editor's note: This story is true as far as I know, and comes from the I Can't Make This Stuff Up Department.]

Woman reportedly injured by exploding toilet at GSA building – WTOP.com

http://www.wtop.com/?nid=109&sid=2565294

WASHINGTON — A toilet reportedly exploded Monday and injured a woman at the General Services Administration Building in D.C.

The D.C. Fire and EMS Department confirms a woman went to the hospital with serious but non-life-threatening injuries.

“The GSA National Capital Regional Office Building experienced a building mechanical incident, which we understand may have resulted in injuries,” a GSA statement reads.

Channel 9 (WUSA) reports a memo made the rounds in the GSA building, warning people not to flush.

“Do NOT flush toilets or use any domestic water,” Channel 9 quotes the memo as saying.

“Due to a mechanical failure, there is high air pressure in the domestic water system that resulted in damage to toilets … There has been damage to flushed toilets that has resulted in injuries.”

The GSA has refused to respond to specific questions, only referring to its statement.

“The restrooms are back in service, and mechanical systems are being monitored as we speak,” the statement says.

The incident is not the first of its kind in the United States. A trial lawyer in Memphis, Tenn., Parke Morris, says he represented a client who was seriously injured when a urinal exploded in a GSA building.

Morris says the client told him he was working on a Saturday at the Federal Courthouse in Memphis when he used the sixth floor men’s bathroom.

“This was an old, kind of primitive urinal that had almost like a gas pedal that you would press down when you were finished doing your business,” Morris says. “And he pressed it, and it literally exploded. It was like a porcelain hand grenade went off.”

Morris says the explosion blew the man backwards onto the floor and severely injured his knee. He required a surgery and seven months of rehab before he could return to work.

After the man was blown back, he called down to the security desk and had a guard come up to help him.

“I don’t know if [the guard] didn’t believe him, or couldn’t believe what he saw, but he decided to flush the urinal next to the one that was now in pieces. That one exploded as well.”

Morris said in total, four urinals exploded in that Memphis bathroom that day and it was later determined to be caused by a problem in the water pressure.

Follow Andrew Mollenbeck and WTOP on Twitter.

(Copyright 2011 by WTOP. All Rights Reserved.)

Not so slim waisted

I'm not sure what to make of this offer on Twitter. If she thinks I am somehow one of these women in the guise of a not-so-slim-waisted man, she would definitely be disappointed.

As a recent member of Twitter, it sometimes surprises me what can get done with only 140 characters.

Take this offer, for example. Certainly the name should say it all: “Jenny Breastits.” But to further drive home the point, she is “@LovelySoftBoobs.” And if that is not enough, her description makes it absolutely clear what she loves.

What I don’t understand is why she wants to follow my tweets? I am not a woman, don’t have the naturally full items she is most interested in, and I possess a not so slim waist. If she thinks I am harboring any of these things, she is suffering from delusions I cannot even begin to fathom.

Twitter may have a limit of 140 characters, but it does seem that at times, all of those characters are odd.