Tag Archives: true story

Monday morning writing joke: “Passing the buck”


[Editor's note: the below article is true. No names were changed, not even the filing location: Bulls Gap. In the words of Mark Twain: "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." -- Following the Equator, Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar. Now, as a writer, what can you make of this bit of news?]

Woman hospitalized to remove stolen $5,000 from rectum

by JEFF BOBO

BULLS GAP — A theft charge is pending against a Hawkins County woman who allegedly stole $5,000 from her boyfriend and was then hospitalized for injuries suffered attempting to remove the cash from her “hiding place.”

Around 1 a.m. Tuesday, the Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office was dispatched to the home of Bobby Gulley, 249 North Ridge Road, Bulls Gap, on a complaint that his girlfriend was stealing from him.

Gulley told HCSO Sgt. Michael Allen he’d “set a trap” for Christie Black, 43, also of that address, by placing two envelopes containing $4,000 and $1,000 in $100 bills in an old medicine bag.

The medicine bag was then placed on a foosball table and Gully went to bed.

Gulley said that when he woke up, he noticed Black was still awake, but the medicine bag and cash were missing.

When Gulley confronted Black with the theft, Black reportedly vomited up a baggy containing partially dissolved pills.

“He then asked her where the money was, and she admitted to him she’d wrapped it up and stuck it in her rectum,” Allen stated in his report. “Black admitted (to Allen) to taking the money and medication because Mr. Gulley was going to kick her out and she needed money for a place to live.”

Source and the rest of the story: http://www.timesnews.net/article/9066805/woman-hospitalized-to-remove-stolen-5-000-from-rectum

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Monday morning writing joke: “In the swim of things”

[Editor's note: this is from the "you can't make this up" department. Not so much a joke, though certainly a bit of a humorous caper. Who knows, could even be the basis for a story. I don't know if you would call this a stroke of genius, or simply a breast stroke.]

A woman who received permission to skinny dip in a man’s backyard pool sufficiently amused him while her male companion burglarized the premises, police reported.

The 54-year-old victim said the couple, who lived nearby, approached his home about 3 p.m. Saturday in Crossville.

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2013/jul/09/nude-woman-swimmer-distracts-home-burglary-victim/?partner=popular

While a nude female swimmer in his Camelot subdivision home’s backyard pool had him distracted, the woman’s accomplice was inside the victim’s home stealing his personal property. Both made a clean getaway. The incident took place last Saturday on Canterbury Lane around 3 p.m. at the home of a 54-year-old man who told police that a couple who live nearby approached his home when the woman suddenly told her husband to go back and retrieve her cigarettes, according to Ptl. Camden Davis’ report. – See more at: http://crossville-chronicle.com/local/x1696737631/Nude-swimmer-distracts-home-burglary-victim#sthash.mL3Qxm2N.dpuf

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Funeral for the living

[Editor's note: True story first, then poetic recap below. This is befitting Mother's Day. Give it a try.]

Egyptian Pronounced Alive At Funeral

http://www.npr.org/2012/05/12/152576320/egyptian-pronounced-alive-at-funeral?ft=1&f=1001&sc=tw&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

by The Associated Press

May 12, 2012

The funeral of a 28-year-old waiter in southern Egypt turned into a celebration when he woke up after being declared dead.

Hospital officials had pronounced dead Hamdi Hafez al-Nubi, who came from the village of Naga al-Simman in the southern province of Luxor, after he suffered a heart attack while working.

His family says grieving relatives took him home and, according to Islamic tradition, washed his body and prepared him for burial Friday evening.

A doctor sent to sign the death certificate found it strange that his body was warm. At closer observation, she discovered he was still alive.

His mother fainted upon hearing the good news.

With the doctor’s assistance, both al-Nubi and his mother were awakened and soon were celebrating with guests.

&&&&

The heart would not rest.
A young, dead son waits no more.
Funeral of joy.

Happy Mother’s Day

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True story: testicular “arrest”

[Editor's note: some things you can't make up. While the national media has rightly been poking (pardon the pun) fun at the Tennessee State legislature for some of the asinine legislation it has passed this session, this was going on in a neighboring state.]

Sources: http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/may/07/another-testicle-ticket-written-in-south/?partner=popular

Another testicle ticket written in South Carolina

Associated Press

Monday, May 7, 2012

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (AP) — For the second time in a year, a motorist has been ticketed in South Carolina for displaying a replica of testicles on a vehicle.

A Spartanburg County sheriff’s deputy stopped a truck Sunday evening after noticing the “anatomically correct” display on the rear bumper. The incident report says the driver removed the display after being stopped but he was arrested for driving without a license. He was also given a warning ticket for having an obscene display.

Last July, a Berkeley County woman was ticketed for having a similar display on the back of her truck.

That case is to go to trial in municipal court in the town of Bonneau. That trial has been delayed three times and no new trial date has been set.

[Some final commentary in haiku form:

Testicle arrest:
lifelike on the dash. Driver
in pain; wife arraigned.

Hemingway once claimed that the shortest story he knew of was: "For sale: pair of baby's shoes. Never used." I challenge you to take the news article above and turn it into a short short short story or poem. You can paste the results in the Leave a Reply section of this blog entry.]

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Till(er) death do us part

[Editor's note: I nominate these two guys, posthumously, for Darwin Awards. Or maybe they could share one.]

Source: http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/apr/23/men-fatally-shoot-each-other-over-repair-issue/

Men fatally shoot each other over repair issue

Associated Press

Monday, April 23, 2012

MARTIN, Tenn. (AP) — Two West Tennessee man have died in an argument over a garden tiller at a repair shop.

WCMT radio in Martin reported the death over the weekend of 68-year-old Oren Willis.

Weakley County Sheriff’s deputies said Roy McAlpin and Willis, who was one his customers, shot each other Friday.

McAlpin was pronounced dead at his shop near Palmersville. Willis was taken to Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville, where he died on Saturday.

Investigators said the men argued after Willis didn’t return to pick up his repaired tiller and McAlpin sold it to someone else.

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Doctor, doctor, give me the news…

Don’t know how many of these are factual, but they all sound true.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

Breathe deep
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

Wild ride
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”

After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

Not to my taste
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

Lawn Care
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read: ”Keep off the grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said “Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by RN (no name)

AND FINALLY…

Whistle while you work
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady in leopard print bikini panties upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you? “

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

“No, doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ‘I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.’”’

Dr. wouldn’t submit his name….

Oohhh, and one more…

Baby’s First (Grand) Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came!!”

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Would you trust this man?

Rep. Curry Todd's arrest photo

Would you trust this man with a gun?

Would you trust this man with a handgun?

Would you trust him if you knew he was an ex-Memphis police officer?

Would you trust him if you knew he was an ex-police officer with a .38-caliber handgun tucked between the driver’s seat and console of his SUV?

Would you trust him if you knew he refused to take a Breathalyzer test, after being stopped by Nashville police officers for driving 60 miles per hour in a 40 mph zone and weaving across the double yellow lines on a street near Vanderbilt University?

Would you trust him if you knew he was Tennessee state Representative, Republican from Collierville?

Would you trust him if you knew he was the House sponsor of the bill (later mad law) allowing handguns in bars?

If so, Curry Todd, the man in photo, is the person you would trust.

Your tax dollars at work.

It will be interesting see how the state Republicans protect one of their own who to the serve part of the motto “to Protect and Serve” to mean how many drinks he could serve himself and still drive.

Sources:
http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/oct/12/lawmaker-arrested-on-drunken-driving-gun-charges/

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/oct/12/sponsor-of-tennessee-guns-in-bars-bill-charged/
 

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